it has worked for me

Today, I can’t help but reflect on the variety of experiences I have had over the years celebrating Mother’s Day.  I will never forget my first mother’s day.  My daughter Ashley was 7 months old.  I had this unspoken (and unrealistic) expectation that I would sleep in, wake up to breakfast in bed, and the rest of the day would be a “day off” from all of the motherly duties.  Hmm, where did I get that idea?

One of the best gifts I received, however, was from my own mother.  We had traditionally celebrated Mother’s Day by spending equal time with both sides of our families; both my mom and my mother-in-law.  Church, a meal, an afternoon activity… it was different every year.  After a couple of years as a new mom, my mom said to me, “I have had years of celebrating Mother’s Day with all of my children.  Now that you are a mother, it’s your turn. Send a card, make a call, but spend the day with your own family and celebrate your own motherhood.” The freedom that she gave me was a beautiful, unselfish, “motherly” gift.

From that point on, that’s exactly what we did.  As a family, we would spend the day at the Zoo, a park, a soccer tournament, or whatever else we wanted to do together as a family.  We would usually end the day with a quick visit or “stop by” on our way home at my mom’s and mother-in-law’s…but time with them was no longer the main event.

So now, my daughter is a mother and my sons have wives that are mothers.  It’s now my turn to pass on the gift that I was given.  They have called and sent beautiful cards and notes.  But time with me today will not be the main event.  They need to develop their own traditions of celebrating Mother’s Day with their own immediate families.

Releasing our children is one of the many roles of a mom.  I have been intentional about doing that and I will continue to as long as I can.  It has worked for me…

Last week I was with my four-year-old grandson and once again he was begging to use the camera on my cell phone. He loves taking pictures,  but when I get my phone back, I have 187 pictures of the floor, his lap, or the legs of a chair to delete one at a time. (Please let me know if there is a way to delete more than one at a time).   Anyway, it’s really annoying.

So, my mind went into problem-solving mode. I came up with a game. I told him, “This is your mission if you choose to accept it.” Then, I hand him my phone and give him an assignment. Take 3 pictures of toys with a face or 3 food items that you like to eat.  Find 3 things that are stinky and take a picture of them. He searches for the items,  I check his work,  delete the photos, and send him on another mission. He loves it.

I came up with a similar solution to picking up a room.  I would say, “find 3 things that are blue and bring them to me,  bring me 3 articles of clothing, or 3 things that belong in the garbage.  Then they put the items where they belong as “missions.”

In case you are worried that they will grow up and think every responsibility needs to be turned not a game, relax. My own mom used to turn everything into a game, and I turned out pretty responsible.  Anyway, ” it has worked for me.”

I spent some time with a mom of young boys yesterday.  She has a difficult relationship with her extended family.  The relationship causes tension at every visit.   Part of the reason she is pushing through that tension is to maintain the relationship out of love and respect for them.  I was impressed with that attitude.  The other part of her reason is that she wants to “teach her boys how to maintain family relationships as adults”.  Her dream is to have healthy, authentic, loving relationships with her adult boys and their future wives.  When she got totally transparent about it,  she wants to model to her boys what she hopes she will get in return when they have families of their own.

My concern for her was that she was putting her hopes on a return from the wrong investment.  My advice to her was this….the relationship you have with your adult children and their spouses is far more dependent on what you build with them individually when they are adults. Be intentional about those relationships, for the return she was hoping for.

Our adult children are amazing kids and have married incredibly awesome spouses.  That is one of my greatest blessings in life.  I will never take for granted the fact that being intentional about those relationships is so important. The return on that investment is priceless.  Anyway….”it has worked for me.”

I received an email from Ashley, my daughter, the other day that had those words in the subject line. She has two active little boys and a newborn.  What she wanted to know was, if I had days as a mom when I felt grouchy, impatient, and like a bad mom.  She was obviously having one of those days.

My answer was yes. Yes, I had days when I felt like a bad mom.  More than I can count.  I had days when I cried over that feeling because I had lost my temper, ran out of patience, and was not the mom I wanted to be.  But, what I told Ashley was that bad moms don’t feel bad about those kinds of days…it’s the good moms that do because they know that they can do better.

And…when there is a string of bad days,  it may be time to make an adjustment.  It may be time to get creative, look for a solution, make a change, or ask for help.

I remember a time when my kids were all just old enough to buckle their own seatbelts in the car but, when we would be ready to pull out of the garage and I would ask over and over, is everyone buckled up?  “Casey, do you have your seatbelt on? Ashley? Carson, buckle your seatbelt. Dustin, are you buckled in?”  Day after day, the same thing.  I was losing my patience.  I was tired of hearing myself say the same thing, and it was a bad way to start the day or the trip.  I was grumpy before we left our subdivision.  So, I recorded a CD of myself.  My patient, fun mom self.  The script was something like this: “Hey everybody, it’s time to leave so get your seat belts buckled.  It’s important to be safe and your seatbelt makes you safe.  Ashley, are you buckled up? Casey, got your seatbelt buckled? How about you Dustin? Are you ready to go Carson? All buckled up?”

We would all get in the car, and I would play the audio recording until everyone responded.  It didn’t take long before they were annoyed by it and would buckle up as soon as they got in the car to avoid listening to their recorded mom.  Easy, cheap, and solved the problem.

We are all going to have bad days, let’s just not have too many in a row.  Get creative about making an adjustment.  It has worked for me…

All four of my children are all really creative adults.  I know God wired them up that way all by Himself,  but Mark and I really blew wind into those sails in many ways.  One of those many ways was not solving the “I’m bored” problem for them.  When they were little, I was pretty intentional about striking a balance between dropping what I was doing to join them in what they were playing, initiating and teaching them some fun and creative ways to play, and leaving them to play alone. 

When they were old enough to play as babies, I would give them short periods of time in a playpen (today’s pack-and-play except bigger) along with a supply of toys.  It was almost like “training”.  Then as preschoolers, we put our dining room furniture in the basement and blocked off the dining room to create a giant “playpen” where they were safe to play alone, but were still in my line of vision. 

When they were school-aged, I still initiated ideas and activities or joined them in playing catch, watching them ride bikes, or being an audience for the music band or skit they created.  But, by that age, if they ever came to me and said, “I’m bored”, then I resisted the temptation to solve that problem for them.   Instead, I  gave them a “task” or a “chore”.  It wasn’t a punishment, I would just say….ok, why don’t you help me clean out the refrigerator, or let’s clean out your dresser drawers.  It didn’t take long for them to figure out that it would be much better to figure out what to do by themselves.

And they really did figure out all kinds of things to do by themselves.  Carson and Dustin could make a game or a competition out of almost anything.  They would play “sock ball” with their friend Drew for hours.  Casey led the boys into all kinds of team sports, pretended he was a dog or a horse, and had a lot of music bands.  Ashley was always making up skits to do and would convince her brothers into all kinds of pretending.  Our basement became a skating rink in the Olympics, or a theatre for plays.  Bedrooms were turned into pet stores or libraries, and a closet was a cockpit of an airplane for a day to name a few.   “It worked for me”.

Haven’t we all heard that from our kids? I think I have heard myself say it as an adult !  If it was about who gets the bigger half of the cookie or who had 5 more french fries than the other child….I often didn’t respond.  Or sometimes I responded with , “maybe you’re right, it’s not fair”. But often times the “it’s not fair” comment is in response to kids getting a no, you cannot do that, or have that. And a lot of those times are when a sibling who is older or younger gets something or gets to do something that the other one doesn’t.  

My response often to the “it’s not fair” comment was, ” well…..it may not be equal…..but, it’s fair”.  A lot of times kids are asking for equal.  If she can go, then I can go.  If he doesn’t have to take out the garbage, then I don’t have to. If they get to stay up late, then I want to.  As a mom, I resolved not to say, ” well, life isn’t fair”.  It never seems to satisfy the complaint.  I think that acknowledging the fact that it’s not equal, makes a kid feel heard.  And things really don’t have to be equal to still be fair. 

I asked my daughter Ashley yesterday if she remembered me saying ” it may not be equal…..and she finished my sentence…” but, it’s fair”.  The important thing to me at that moment was she said it without rolling her eyes.  So, ….it has worked for me.

  My kids got used to being lined up and photographed….how could we resist?  And most of the time they were this cooperative.  There were times, however, when one of them would throw a fit.  And we would take the picture anyway!  I have many pictures with everyone all happy and one of them screaming, but that was reality.   I was pretty consistent with picture-taking…I resisted the old saying that the first child gets huge photo albums and the last one just gets memories.  And I was big on taking pictures of moments that were not so fun at the time.  Ashley throwing a tantrum about wearing a skirt to the theatre, Casey’s head with stitches after being pushed by one of the other kids (I am not saying who), Carson very sick and not able to walk suddenly, Dustin hanging over the rail of his crib trying to escape…you get the picture. 

Sometimes when everything was totally chaotic…I would grab the movie camera and just film the chaos!  After all, that’s part of the adventure.  I am a little bit sad that my kids don’t remember every bit of their childhood, but I know every moment has become a part of who they have become. 

We looked at photos and movies all the time as they got older…..and I’m convinced that some of their memories are from looking at the pictures of those events rather than being at the actual event.  My new plan is to dig out all of those old pictures, choose the best of, scan them, and create slideshows to just have scrolling on the TV at family gatherings.  It’s on my “to-do next” list.   Make memories and document them….all of them….it has worked for me.

I have four fantastic adult children who are making my husband and I look good.  I have lost track of the times people have asked me what we did to turn out such great kids.  It’s almost like they are asking for the “recipe”.  Young moms and dads have invited me to lunch or coffee and said, “can I pick your brain?  What things did you do as a mom that produced such spiritually, emotionally, relationally, and physically healthy children?”  

Now, grandchildren have blessed my life.  And I find myself dusting off the tried and true tactics and using them all over again or sharing them with my kids as they parent.  What a blast! 

So, after several years of encouragement from my kids, my kid’s spouses, a couple friends, and my husband to write a book, here I go.  Random ideas, wisdom, and some darn good tricks that …have worked for me.

We had a 12 minute drive to my kid’s grade school.  A 20 minute round trip made carpooling very attractive, and for a short time, I was in one with several neighbors.  I was driving a van full of kids one morning and I realized that with other kids in the car the conversation was different and I became more of a chauffeur. From that day on, I quit the carpool and really valued the “car time”  with my kids.  I turned the radio off,  and we talked. 

After the rush of the morning to get ready and leave the house, it was great to have 12 minutes to spend together (especially if I hadn’t been patient with the getting ready-to-go process).  The really valuable stuff was on the way home from school.  Having them “captive” created a wonderful opportunity to hear about their day.  Sometimes I would take the long way home 🙂   So, put the cell phone in the glove compartment, the to-do list thinking on hold, turn off the music, and have a “car time” conversation…..it has worked for me!

My kids were not picky eaters but I had to get creative to “stretch” them to try new things.  If I offered them something and they didn’t want it, I taught them to say, “no thanks, that’s not my favorite” instead of,  “yuck, I hate meatloaf”.  When you connect the words yuck and hate with an item of food….that’s a long way to go to get them to EVER try it.

My first-born grandson was a picky eater.  It’s not only that he had a limited list of items that he would eat, he was just rarely interested in eating at all.  So, I needed to come up with new ways to stir his interest.  I bought some cocktail toothpicks that are plastic and look like swords.  He would eat almost anything if he could spear it with that toothpick first.  Well, not really anything, but turkey rolled up, cheese, apples, raspberries, and kid-friendly stuff.  It takes longer to eat one toothpick of food at a time, but it was worth it to get good stuff in his belly. 

 He liked yogurt, but if he wasn’t in the mood to eat, no way.  So I would drop a couple of blueberries into the container of yogurt and gave him a 1/4 tsp measuring spoon and told him to try to find the blueberries.  Of course, it’s even more fun if I say “I’ll bet you can’t find the blueberry”.  He would eat the entire container of yogurt with the added bonus of a handful of blueberries.

One day at Potbellies, I ordered him a grilled chicken sandwich, cut up the pieces of chicken, and placed 8 pieces in a line in front of him.  After counting them, I told him to eat # 4. He counted to four and ate the chicken.  It may tell you something about his personality when I tell you that the game quickly changed.  I  would tell him to eat # 2 and he would look at me and intentionally eat # 8.  End result….chicken in the belly.

I would cut up apples into small pieces and the grandkids were horses in a field (behind the couch) and they would eat the apples out of my hand.  I put small bites of food on a small Tonka truck and roll it across the table for them to eat.  I would roll out a piece of wheat bread with a rolling pin, spread peanut butter on it and roll it into a little jelly roll-looking thing.  There are all kinds of ways to make eating interesting….look around your kitchen and get creative.

Most of the time kids need to sit at the table and eat what you offer them off a plate with a fork and spoon. But when you have the time and patience to have a little fun…..well…..it has worked for me.